


Pyramids In the Sand

by Cleo



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, Pre-Slash, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-06-25
Updated: 2006-06-25
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:35:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cleo/pseuds/Cleo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eric kidnaps Ryan when he reaches a breaking point but will it heal or shatter them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pyramids In the Sand

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Ryan Challenge that was thrown out and takes place sometime after Eric loses his badge during season three. It reflects the episode that never happened that made it possible for Ryan to join the team.
> 
> Thanks to Alex/Odysseus's for all her help with the OCD stuff and keeping me on track to get out what I really wanted to say, Kiril for the emotional impact suggestions and once again my wonderful mate Joey/Xander for all his support and eagerness toward my writing.
> 
> For an idea on what the condo looks like go here www.keysoceanfrontcondo.com/about.html and here http://www.goin2travel.com/oceancondo.htm For more information on OCD do a search there's plenty of resources and sites out there that explain it well. But from what I've learned while writing this fic it's not always cut and dry and varies widely from person to person.

Ryan was on the brink of a meltdown. He'd been swinging between depression and aggression for weeks. The team's latest case hadn't helped either. They had processed a mass shooting that involved several kids and teens killed by a fellow teen. The shooter had been teased, ignored and set up by the other kids time and again. Then he had been told that his girlfriend was his girlfriend only because she lost a bet. The kid had lost it and went on a shooting spree after which he killed himself.

Everyone had seen that the case had set Ryan off. He'd even snapped at Alexx because of something stupid and minor. Though he did apologize about it directly afterwards, the fact that he had snapped at her was a sign he was cracking. Horatio was seriously contemplating suspending Ryan pending a departmental psyche evaluation. Calleigh had gotten to a point where she wasn't going to push the issue. She knew what it was like to deal with severe personal issues that were touchy. To all appearances it seemed Ryan was becoming a burnout and some were waiting to see the CSI lose it proving that he didn't belong in the labs.

Eric knew there was something else behind it as he'd been there, done that when Speed had died. At the time no one really had helped him through his anger at his best friend's death but Eric wasn't going to let the same happen to Ryan. Something was wrong with the newest member of their team and he was going to find out what it was. He'd started to watch over the younger man more when this case came up. He didn’t want to lose another colleague if not friend in the line of duty. Ryan had become special to him and he was tired of losing those that were special to him.

Nope, he'd definitely get down to the root of the problem. Especially since his diving buddy, Fred had canceled on him just last night in regards to their week long vacation. A vacation they had planned and paid for months ago. Yep, Eric was going to get to the bottom of things by kidnapping Ryan and taking him on vacation. It shouldn't be hard to convince H to give Ryan the time off if Eric offered to figure out what was wrong with him. He'd talk to their boss as soon as he got the chance to.

*

Ryan didn't know how to deal anymore his normal coping mechanisms were no longer working so he could function. The whole episode with the teenage shooter had been too much a reminder of his high school days. He honestly could relate to the kid. If it hadn't been for a few of his teachers and his Big Brother mentor he'd probably have done something similar. Ryan's OCD tendencies made him especially vulnerable to the taunts and cruel jokes of his classmates. Once they found out he had a difficult time if his routine was compromised they took great pleasure messing it up.

What was really getting to him was that same kind of attitude seemed to be creeping into his dealings with some of the officers he'd previously worked with. Officers that he thought were professional colleagues if not friends. It wasn't anything overt but it was there nonetheless the occasional request of retrieving his evidence case from his vehicle only to have them bring him someone else's. Which meant that Ryan had to go get it himself. Granted he could have always used his co-worker's items but Ryan needed the comfort of his own things. Then they started moving into his lighting after he had asked them to move out of the shot. It was the lack of professional courtesy that got to him.

On the one hand Ryan could understand because he'd been a patrol cop and knew the others thought he'd defected to the geek squad. They probably felt betrayed and thought he considered himself better than them. In reality Ryan had found his home with what they called the geek squad. He felt that he'd finally found a place where his OCD would be understood at least if not appreciated.

But on this last case he'd ended up being teased constantly by the rest of the team because he kept reorganizing his processing each time someone moved something. On this case he needed to be sure he understood the why behind each step, not just the how. He needed to know why he'd been able not to loose it and this kid had. From all the evidence the kid had been just as OCD as he was and had manage to function at a higher level than Ryan had but he'd cracked. What was different between them that this kid resorted to mass homicide and suicide?

*

Horatio was sitting at his desk when Eric gently knocked on his door to get his attention. "Horatio, you got a minute?"

"Sure, Eric. What do you need?" The redheaded lieutenant looked closely at his CSI, noticing the concerned frown, he knew this wasn’t a social call.

"Well, it's kinda personal H," Eric made sure the door was closed behind him. "You see I know that Ryan's about to get a whole world of hurt soon because of the way he's been acting. I also know that you can't keep ignoring it for long. I want you to give him a one week leave of absence, vacation or something starting next Thursday if you think you can be without two of the team for a week," Eric stated.

"Why?" Horatio's intense blue stare was focused and waiting for the answer.

"Because..." Eric always knew that Horatio had an intense way about him but he'd never been on the receiving end of it often enough to get used to it. He shifted nervously while he decided on how much to tell him. Finally, he looked his boss in the eye; "Because Ryan's a good guy, a bit stiff at times but a good guy nonetheless. I don't want to see another good guy flounder when I can help it. I know what it's like to be that angry and not know how to release it safely. I get the feeling that for Ryan it's harder to release safely. So I want to take him with me on vacation to the Keys where he can let go and hopefully I can catch him when he falls. I failed once in being there to catch a friend when they fell. I don't want to fail again," Eric finished somewhat thick voiced.

Horatio sat back in his chair, pressing his index fingers against his lips, his gaze never leaving Eric as he pondered his decision. "All right. But on one condition."

Eric looked warily, "What's that?"

"Before you leave with him next week. Really think, on why you want to be there when he falls. Not just the guilt aspect but other emotional aspects as well. I think you may find you have an opportunity that I didn't get to have," Horatio intoned.

"What opportunity would that be?" Eric inquired.

"Finding someone to love who understands you and your job," H replied with a wistful melancholy.

Eric couldn't wrap his head around what H had just said so instead opted to leave. "Okay, yeah ah...whatever, H. Just don't tell him, okay. I'll take him close to end of shift on Thursday and before he realizes it he'll be in the Keys," Eric said as he shifted towards the door to leave as quickly as he could.

"Oh, Eric?" Horatio intoned in a pay close attention way.

"Ye-eah, H?" Eric answered cautiously.

"There's one other thing that you need to be aware of, if you aren't already. Mr. Wolfe has OCD. Do you think you can take on that level of support? If not don't offer him the hope and not live up to it. You'd do more harm than good. So think about this very carefully."

"Will do, H," with that Eric left the office his mind heavy with thoughts.

*

After shift Eric went to the beach and sat. He always loved being near the water; it soothed and calmed him when he was in turmoil. He became a diver just so that he could let the water embrace him in its comforting arms. If he had time he'd go for a dive now but he had shift tomorrow and no prearranged plans for a boat and diving buddy. So he settled for the next best thing being on the beach just at the tide line letting the water crash at his feet.

He had been unable to get the talk with Horatio out of his head. He knew, on one hand, exactly what Horatio had meant but for the life of him he couldn't believe he'd said it. Thinking about it he realized that Horatio and Speed had been heading toward more than friends. Eric knew Speed had been in love with Horatio for a long time and Speed thought that after Dispo Day he'd never have a shot with the redhead.

Eric had noted the sadness creeping up on his friend and Horatio's struggle to figure out what was going on. He'd tried to keep his friend encouraged but Speed worried that Horatio was starting to figure it out and would be even more upset with him. Then the week before the shooting, it seemed that maybe they were finally going to get their chance together. Eric had noticed that Speed was trying to be a bit more upbeat and then the jewelry store happened.

Eric was so pissed with not only Speed for dying but at himself for not helping his best friend harder. He'd been so frustrated and heartbroken not just for himself but also for Speed and Horatio. They were just about to have a life and fate was cruel by taking it away before they had the chance. What was the sense of loving someone to have fate say, "Fuck you. You don't get to be happy now." It made no sense to Eric.

Which led him to his current dilemma. Horatio said to think about why he wanted to help Ryan, so he did. Everything did come back to the fact that he didn't want to lose Ryan. Somehow without him realizing it Ryan had become important to him. That thought made him think harder on what he felt for the guy.

Eric went through all he knew about Ryan and it really wasn’t much. He knew from Calleigh that Ryan had an uncle that lived near the shore. He was stiff when it came to having things done in order and sequence. That was probably due to his OCD but Eric wasn't sure, what that meant for Ryan exactly. Eric knew it was more than being a neat freak or anal over routines. He knew it was a serious disorder. Maybe it was time he found out more about what his co-worker dealt with on a daily basis.

Eric thought the kid was okay. Not a bad guy. Able to give back as good as he got from Eric. He was eager to prove himself and even though he had been a patrolman he still had an innocence while aware, mostly, of the dangers in the world. Like the whole incident with the nanny kidnapping and then the identity theft girl he fell initially for the innocent looks. But when the evidence revealed the truth he was more than willing to rectify his judgments. Ryan always wanted to see happy ending and neatly tied cases. It was that mixture of innocence and realism that attracted Eric to Ryan.

Though Ryan did seem to need a keeper because some of the stuff he wore were too out there. Eric chuckled at that thought because he swore that at one point Calleigh and Alexx were going to take him shopping for clothes. Though the thought of those two dressing Ryan was funny, the way an image of a less than fully clothed Ryan made him feel wasn't. Whoa, he thought where did that come from? Eric had to take a moment to calm his suddenly pounding blood.

*

Thursday arrived and Eric was ready to kidnap Ryan for a vacation. He'd saved some extra money to buy Ryan whatever it was he might need. That way there would be no way of him backing out and escaping. Horatio still hadn't told Ryan about the time off and would call to let him know after Eric had him out and on the road.

He walked towards the trace lab looking for his wayward co-worker. He watched for a moment as Ryan precisely and systematically put everything he was working on away one piece at a time. It caused a warm feeling to sweep over Eric, one that he ignored as fond humor.

"Hey Ryan, you done for the day now?" Eric asked quietly so as not to startle Ryan.

"Um...yeah. I just have these last couple of pieces to put away and am done. Why? Did something else come up?" Ryan nervously replied.

"No, nothing's come up. Just wanted to know if you were up for a beer or two. I figured we haven't had much of a chance to talk outside of work and I wanted to correct that oversight. So what do you say? Want to come with?" Eric used all his observation skills to get an idea, which way the week would play out. If he hadn't been then he wouldn't have noticed the surprise followed by the sudden dilation of the pupils before Ryan looked down. Eric couldn't quite figure out why that look tightened his insides but it did.

"Sure, can you give me about ten minutes to finish this and I'll meet you outside," Ryan smiled timidly.

"Sure, see you in ten," Eric gave him a warm smile then turned to get the car and things ready for their departure.

*

Ryan was nervous; Delko had never invited him out before. He thought that maybe the other man resented him taking Speedle's place on the team. He'd always felt calm and more focused whenever Eric worked with him and during their last case he had been more than glad they had been assigned together.

Ryan was still stunned though by Eric's invitation. Why did Eric ask him out? Why would a guy like Eric want to spend time outside of work with a geek like him? Sure, Ryan would like to spend time with Eric. He would so love for that to happen but he knew what jock types did to geeks that showed an interest in the jocks. He'd gone through it in high school.

Ryan still remembered the day the star quarterback had caught him sneaking looks in the locker room. That day he'd had one of the worst episodes he'd had while in school. He had gotten stuffed into one of the lockers. It was almost fifteen minutes before someone noticed and he'd gotten out.

By the time they had gotten him calmed down after finding him, his parents had been informed of the incident. Initially they'd wanted to wait for his parents to come get him but he wanted to get out of the school as soon as possible he was feeling trapped being there. He'd convinced them to call his Big Brother and with his parents' permission Gary was able to take Ryan home, especially since Gary was closer than they were to school.

On the drive home Ryan had told Gary why he'd been stuffed in the locker. He didn't have to worry about Gary judging him or freaking over what he said because Gary was bisexual himself. Though to look at Gary you'd never suspected because he looked like your typical all American guy next door. He'd done the whole quarterback thing and everything that was associated with the image.

Gary drove and listened as Ryan spilled how he'd felt trapped when the doors closed. How in his panic he ended up counting his breaths thinking each would be his last. He told how he'd tried to freak out like a normal person probably would but all he kept doing was counting each precious inhale and exhale. He explained that he had wanted to bang and yell on the doors for someone to get him out but his mind would not let him and was stuck on the counting. He'd counted about three hundred inhales and three hundred and one exhales before someone had finally opened the door. But even then he'd still counted it just shifted to how many steps he'd taken to the offices before they'd calmed him down.

When they'd finally arrived home Ryan went straight to his room and had stood there looking at his closed door. He knew he was safe and that no one was going to be shoving him into a tight space. Once again though he'd felt the panic but this time he ended up grabbing a screwdriver and removing his bedroom door and then started on his closet thinking that it could close as well.

Ryan had removed the doors to and in his room, the bathroom and the hall closets before Gary realized what was going on. When Gary found Ryan, the boy had been shaking from head to toe with the screwdriver still in hand and was about to head for his parents room. Gary had grabbed Ryan, gently, removed the screwdriver from his hands and slowly guided Ryan back to his room. He'd tucked the boy into his bed and rubbed Ryan's back until the shakes from the episode had passed and eventually he had fallen into a fitful sleep.

Later, Ryan had found out that Gary had replaced all the doors except the ones for his room before his parents came home. He had explained to them what he could and never told them about the staring at a boy thing that had set it off. But since that day Ryan had always tried his best to be somewhat more aware of who he was staring at. He'd learned to play the macho games of bullshit and one upmanship as a matter of survival.

Since working with the CSI team he'd worked the bullshitting game to an art with Delko. Now Eric was asking him out for drinks. For the first time Ryan wanted to forget all the bullshit games and let his interest show but instead he had to hide behind the innocent face that kept him safe. With a deep sigh Ryan put away the last of the things he was working on and noted he had three minutes left of the ten before he had to meet Eric out front. With another deep sigh he gathered his courage and mask around him to once again play the game.

*

Eric waited out front leaning against his car. He was worried that he might have scared Ryan off. He hadn't failed to notice the other man's surprise at the invitation and it made Eric feel like a heel for not doing it sooner. He hadn't realized that the man had become ostracized and isolated by both his team and his ex-colleagues. Whether it was intentional on the team's part or not Eric really didn't know. But he knew it had to have been intentional on the part of Ryan's patrol colleagues. That thought alone made Eric pissed to no end and he wished he could pound a bit of sense into some of them.

Once again though, Eric thought about the strength of the young man. He couldn't reconcile the determined silent strength of the man he had first met to the barely held together one he had just asked out. Over the last few weeks whatever it was eating away at Ryan had started to break through whatever armor the man had in place to contain it. Eric saw the cracks turning into breaks and that resolved him to carry on with his current plan.

With an unconsciously huge sigh of relief Eric straightened up as he saw his quarry heading towards him with a nervous stride. Let the games begin Eric thought as he walked around to get the door for Ryan.

*

Ryan woke up to a bright white ceiling the room wasn't familiar and he immediately knew he wasn't home. He tried to remember what happened and the last thing he recalled was getting in the car to go out for drinks with Delko. Then there was a phone call from Horatio shortly after telling him about being on a leave of absence for the next week. He was still puzzled about Horatio's cryptic statement of taking the time to embrace what's in front of him even through his fear.

Eric had asked what was up and when he'd told him offered him the chance to go with him if he had nothing better to do. He had explained how Ryan would be doing him a favor by keeping him company since his diving buddy had canceled last minute on him and he did have the space.

Ryan had wanted to leap at the chance to spend time with the man but he knew better. He tried making up excuses for not going, from not having clothes to Eric not wanting to be saddled with his neat freakishness. Each excuse was shot down with precise logic as if it had been rehearsed and that put Ryan a bit on edge. Reluctantly he'd agreed and hoped he could keep it together around the guy. By the time they'd reached the condo they'd had enough time to go out grab some dinner and crash. It hadn't been a bad night but now in daylight Ryan was terrified.

He heard what sounded like someone cooking in a kitchen somewhere and the smells that assaulted him made his stomach growl. He decided to go in search of the source of those smells especially when whomever it was cooking started to sing softly and the voice was definitely not female.

Ryan walked down the short corridor and stopped in his tracks at the sight before him. The corridor led to a living room that overlooked a balcony with an ocean view of the Atlantic. Unconsciously Ryan started walking towards the sliding glass doors when he was startled by a voice.

"Hey, I was beginning to worry when you'd get up. You hungry?"

Ryan turned around abruptly to stare at one Eric Delko standing in shorts and nothing else, cooking. Lust flared inside Ryan and he shoved it down ruthlessly. Swallowing nervously he answered, "Yeah, I can eat something," as without thought he licked his lips.

Eric's eyes narrowed at the once again dilated pupils of Ryan's eyes, while his own seemed transfixed on the pink bit of flesh that left traces of its presence on Ryan's lips. The sudden thought that he wanted to be the one licking those lips caused Eric to turn around and continue cooking. There was no more denying that he was attracted to the man.

Soon both of them were dished up and settled at the small dining table eating it in an uneasy silence. Until Ryan spoke, "You sure, me being here is okay with you?"

"Yeah, like I said you'd be doing me a favor keeping me company. I can never do a vacation by myself. I bore me," Eric joked. "Besides Fred bailed on me after we had been planning this for months."

"Really, when did he tell you he wasn't going?"

"You know...like I said last minute and stuff," Eric was starting to worry that Ryan knew.

"Ah...um not that I don't mind and all. But why am I here exactly? After thinking about this whole trip I doubt that this was all spur of the moment on your part. You know I am a CSI after all," Ryan asked.

"Well after H's call to you last night. I figured it was best to bring you along with me..." Eric started before opting for the truth. "The truth is I figured you'd rather have Horatio put you on a vacation or leave of absence instead of forcing him to put you on suspension. I talked him into giving you the time off while I was on vacation so that I could bring you along. I figured you could probably use the time away from the labs in order to work through whatever it is that's eating away at you. I won't push or pry. I just want you to know you have someone here and that...that you aren't alone," Eric finished quietly.

Ryan was incredulous it seemed that Eric was saying that he wanted to be there for him. That Eric had planned this whole thing. Eric had taken matters into his own hands to step into his life and make decisions without his knowledge. Damn the man. Starting to seethe Ryan voiced his irritation.

Quietly but with intensity Ryan held on to himself as he replied. "How dare you interfere in my life without my invitation or consent? You've arbitrarily made decisions and gone around my back to my boss. Not to mention lied to me about wanting to be friends. You watched me beating myself up for getting this leave and did nothing when it was all your doing! You then took advantage of my uncertainty to abduct me and drag me here! What the hell is it that you want from me Delko?! Isn't it bad enough that I'm not good enough for anyone to associate with outside of the office but you've got to pretend you want to and then do this!" Ryan stormed off in the direction of the room he'd woken up in, what was left of his appetite gone.

Eric flinched as the door slamming reached him. Well he thought that went well at least he didn't hit me. But still he felt bad for what he'd done. He turned off the stove that was keeping what was left of the food warm and sat down to contemplate how to make it up to Ryan. Eric sighed it was going to be a long day. He just hoped Ryan could forgive him.

*

Ryan was fuming pacing agitatedly around the room. He couldn't believe it how could he do that to him. Ryan wanted to berate himself for being an idiot in believing that Delko would even invest any sincere emotions in him. He wanted to yell scream and throw things the need was there instead he started to clean the room. He remade the bed he'd slept in and gathered together his things.

He went looking for stuff to clean with ignoring Eric as he searched. Desperately he looked in cabinets and closets under shelves. He kept coming up empty. The only promising place had been the bathroom but the soap wasn't going to last for the whole place. He was starting to shake and the urge to scream was creeping up on him fiercely.

Eric looked up when Ryan came out of his room and started tearing through the cabinets and closets looking for something. He spoke up when the man had started to re-search the places he already had. Quietly he asked, "What are you looking for Ryan?"

"Gotta clean, nothing to clean with. Have to make it all right. Need to get it together but there's nothing to use. How can I do better if I have nothing to start with," Ryan babbled.

Puzzled for a moment then understanding Eric asked, "Do you mean that you have nothing to clean with?"

"Yeah, nothing to erase it with. Make clean, it clean and fresh. Start over clean not messes."

Eric thought on that. He hadn't gone and gotten the condo fully stocked yet he was intending on doing that later today. He'd only gotten what he figured they'd need for a meal this morning, dish liquid and some sponges. Eric had done some reading since speaking with Horatio about OCD. He had read about cleaning compulsions and knew Ryan needed to follow through.

"Look, Ryan. Here you can start cleaning the dishes and kitchen," gently Eric led Ryan to the sink and showed him the sponges and dish liquid. "I'll go out and get you what you need. Just tell me what it is you want. I'll get it for you okay?"

Ryan latched on to the sponge and dish liquid nodding. "Mop, broom, gloves, bleach, scrubber, sponges, paper towels, glass cleaner, oven cleaner, chrome cleaner, furniture spray, toilet cleaner, bathroom cleaner," was Ryan's rapid-fire answer.

Eric didn't let his amazement show as the list grew and keeping his voice neutral but friendly he said, "Okay then. I'll go get those for you and in the mean time you can start with the dishes and counters. By the time I get back you should be ready for the other things." Eric left when he received a nod from Ryan.

When he came back forty-five minutes later Ryan had all the dishes that were in the condo washed and dried or drying. Eric was amazed at how efficient Ryan had to have been in order to accomplish that task. That was something else he remembered about the organizational skills inherent in OCDers as being a necessity rather than a choice.

"Ryan, I got the things you need. Sorry it took so long but I had to hunt down that chrome cleaner you said you wanted."

"Chrome cleaner good to do faucets hardware stores usually have," Ryan informed.

"Well then that explains why I could only find it in the hardware store," Eric teased and was rewarded with a weak smile from Ryan. Eric then stepped out of the way and he watched amazed as Ryan on their first day here went cleaning and organizing the condo from top to bottom.

He had known Ryan had OCD but he'd never experienced its full extent. Now he watched as Ryan rearranged the kitchen and condo to some internal pattern. He was able to distract him only for short periods of time especially when Ryan started to use bleach on every horizontal surface that could tolerate it. It wasn’t until Ryan had everything done to his satisfaction that he'd seemed to let go and took a shower.

Ryan headed to take a shower. He didn't even think that he had no clothes to change into. When he stepped under the water's spray he started cleaning from the head down and couldn't stop as he kept obsessing on how Horatio must think him such an incompetent kid needing someone to hold his hand.

He only wanted to prove himself capable and worthy of the lab's reputation and acceptance. Maybe along the way he'd show himself worthy of Eric. Hoped that the man could see him as something other than the replacement for his dead best friend. Ryan was tired of the constant fight within himself, to hide who he was and what he wanted. For the first time in his life he just wanted to let his control slip. He knew he could never be good enough for anyone and they'd never accept him at the lab. He'd never find anyone who could love a complete nut case like him. Slowly the tears came as Ryan kept scrubbing his skin.

*

Eric had heard Ryan go into the bathroom and he heaved a sigh of weariness as he heard the shower start. He hoped that it didn't mean that Ryan was preparing to leave before he could explain. He knew he had to stop the other man from leaving or else it would spell disaster. He would catch him after his shower and try to discuss things with him.

When an hour had passed and still Ryan was in the shower, Eric began to worry. Even for someone with Ryan's sensitivities that was excessive. At least it was to Eric. He walked down to the bathroom and quietly knocked on the door. He got no reply but could hear soft muttering so he slowly opened it enough to speak into the room without invading the man's privacy.

"Ryan, are you okay, man?"

"How can I be okay? You haven't fixed me yet! That's what you're trying to do isn't it? Poor little Ryan can't handle his problems has to be supervised. Needs others to fix it for him. What, did you tattle on me to the principal and he appointed you my watchdog?"

"No! That's not how it went and not what I did. Look I'm not going to talk to you about this here. How about I go wash your clothes and get you something to put on while they get cleaned?" Eric knew that without his clothes Ryan wasn't going to go anywhere.

"Whatever, you're the one stuck babysitting me. You call all the shots," the resignation in Ryan's voice tore at Eric's insides.

"I'm not babysitting you and I'm not calling all the shots. You can leave whenever you like but I think that you'd want to do it in stain free clothes not smelling of bleach and cleaners. If you want that is."

Ryan answered, "Okay, thanks. I would appreciate it."

Eric quickly grabbed the discarded clothes purposely avoiding looking towards the shower. "I'll see if I can find a robe for you or something. If you want I think I have a pair of extra sweats that you can wear if that would be better for you."

"Maybe both if you don't mind," Ryan quietly asked as he started to calm down.

"Sure, I'll get them for you and put them on your bed in the other room. I'll take these to the laundry and see how soon we can get them back to you," Eric quickly exited keeping at bay the temptation to look at the man as he showered.

By the time Ryan heard the outside door close he was able to get himself back under control. He slowly and tiredly got out, dried himself and trudged into his room. He noticed the sweats and a blue terry robe that he assumed was also Eric's on the bed he hadn't slept in. Carefully replacing the towels he donned the sweats and wrapped himself up in the robe taking a deep breath to gain a sense of Eric's smell. He smelled freshly washed material but there was a faint whiff of Eric's favorite cologne. It brought such a rush of warmth to Ryan that he could almost fall into the fantasy that the robe wrapped around him was Eric's arms instead.

He idly walked over to the windows in his room and pulled the curtains back to find that the room had a view of the ocean as well. He found he was kind of glad for that as he plopped himself on the bed closest to the glass doors that lead onto the balcony. He was tired though Eric probably had no clue what just happened Ryan did. He'd had another episode one that would hurt later on in the day when the adrenaline and shock wore off. Right now he just wanted to go away but he had no clothes with which to escape so he was at the mercy of the one man he had ever truly wanted and loved. Defeated Ryan allowed himself to topple onto the still made bed and gave in to the exhaustion.

*

Eric had hoped that Ryan would still be there when he got back. That Ryan wouldn't risk taking a run while in sweats and his robe. He had no idea why he'd offered up his robe. He was sure that if he'd hunted enough he could have found one that the condo provided. Eric stopped making excuses and faced the fact that he had given Ryan his clothes and robe as a substitute for him. He wanted to be the one wrapped around Ryan as protection and comfort. Yeah he could accept that he was attracted to Ryan it wasn't a problem for him. He'd always had eyes for both, which was something Speed always teased him about.

Upon entering Eric didn't hear anything so he quietly crept to Ryan's room only to find him asleep. He entered the room and knelt down next to the bed to look upon the sleeping face. It was amazing how young he looked when he was asleep but Eric could see the signs the last couple of months had left on that face. The stress lines around the eyes, mouth and forehead were still pretty noticeable as if even in his sleep his body was still fighting.

Eric gently reached out and smoothed the lines on the forehead and around the mouth. He was stunned when Ryan unconsciously leaned into the touches and his lips parted in anticipation for something more. He wanted to lean over and kiss those lips but he didn't dare take advantage of Ryan in a situation where he was vulnerable. Besides they had a lot to talk about and it was already mid afternoon with Ryan sleeping and cleaning almost all morning after hardly eating anything.

Though at that present moment he wanted nothing more than to watch Ryan sleep until he woke just so he could look into those unguarded eyes before the mask he hid behind came down. He had to wake him up, get some food into him and soon. So with regret he reached over and shook him gently. "Ryan, wake up. You need to eat and we need to talk."

"Wha...? Eric? What...oh," Ryan's semi groggy mind caught up. "What time is it?"

"It's almost three pm and you haven't eaten much of anything for the day. You need to eat something. Besides I need to get you watered and fed so that when you go back Alexx won't kill me for neglect," Eric tried to joke.

"Why would she care that you neglected me?"

Surprised and sobered by the honest disbelief and confusion of Alexx's interest in his well-being, Eric replied, "She can't help it Ryan she's a mother hen for strays. She's claimed you as one of her strays. So I better take good care of you while you're with me."

"If you say so," Ryan answered with evident disbelief.

"Come on. Let's get you up and we'll make dinner or we can order out. You pick," Eric helped Ryan sit up and then stepped away even though he just wanted to stay close to him.

Ryan was getting nervous and frustrated with being so close to Eric and not able to give into his desires. Especially as he was standing over him like that and Ryan was eye level with Eric's well defined stomach, where with a shift a few inches forward Ryan could just, "Ah...um...cooking would be fine," he spluttered out.

He thought that if he kept his hands and mind somewhat busy with the everyday normal task of preparing a meal he could stop thinking about licking all across the washboard stomach of his co-worker.

"Cooking it is. I bought a couple of steaks while I was waiting for your clothes to be ready. There's some corn, already prepared cole slaw, a couple of potatoes we can bake or grill depending. There's beer or wine for you to choose from. But if you don't want any alcohol I got some fruit juices and we could make some virgin frozen drinks," Eric knew he was rambling but he'd seen that look again in Ryan's eyes just now and it twisted his insides hard. He took a step back further and he could almost feel the glass of the doors behind him touching his suddenly heated skin.

"I put your clothes on the chair and I'll just meet you in the kitchen then," with that Eric tried to get out without appearing to be running. He breathed easier when he'd closed the door behind him effectively blocking himself from temptation once again. Damn, it was going to be a long week if he couldn’t get a grip on his attraction.

*

When they'd finished dinner, one that Ryan insisted he make, Eric figured it was a good time to figure out what was wrong with his friend.

"So you always like this when you stay in someplace new?" Eric inquired.

"Not to that extent, today was...ah...an aberration of my normal day-to-day routine," Ryan finished looking down at his plate.

"Why was today different? Why this outburst?" Eric pursued gently.

"Let's just say it was overdue and the new environment just triggered it and leave it at that okay," Ryan vehemently replied. He threw his napkin on the table and proceeded to start clearing the table of their meal without looking at Eric.

Eric grabbed Ryan's wrist to prevent him from moving away further, at least physically. "Hey, I'm just trying to help. I'm not going to attack you nor am I going to judge. I'm just trying to understand why my normally easy-going friend has suddenly turned prickly to all around him. We care and some of us care more than others. I don't want you to end up dead at a scene because...because I didn’t make sure you were doing okay," Eric finished quietly.

"I'm not Speedle. I'm not careless in my gun maintenance..." Ryan quickly apologized, " I'm sorry that was uncalled for. I didn't mean...I'm sorry that...maybe I should just go." It was then that Ryan realized that he was still in Eric's grip and had done nothing to change that fact. "Please, just let me go," Ryan pleaded looking down at the plates in his hand.

"I can't. No matter how much I think it's none of my business it all comes out to the same thing. What if something happens at a scene? What if whatever it is that's eating at you distracts you during a critical time at a scene or while questioning a suspect in the field? What then?

For some reason I can't let it go for the simple fact that you've become important to me. As important as the rest of the members of the team are to me if not more so. I did what I did to get you here not because I was ordered to. I brought you here because I sensed you were hurting in a similar way to the way I was after Speed d-died. Unlike me though you don't seem to have anyone on the job to back you up when you feel like you're crumbling to pieces personally. Let me be here and there for you now.

Like I said, I am not going to judge, push or poke you into anything while we are here. Whatever happens here stays here between us. No one else needs to know about it. But Ryan you need to let go, get it out and off your chest. Start to recharge and heal while we are here. Can you at least give it a chance? Give me a chance to prove I can be a friend to you? The kind of friend I hope you'd want?" Eric pleaded.

Ryan looked into those chocolate eyes that always melted him and seeing the sincere earnestness nervously answered, "I guess I can use the time wisely. A-and I can always use a friend." He smiled weakly at Ryan.

"That's all I ask." Eric then realized he hadn't let Ryan go during the whole conversation and reluctantly he released his wrist. He found he liked touching Ryan and wanted to do it again. He balled his hand into a fist underneath the tablecloth just to keep the feel of Ryan's warmth a little bit longer. He watched as Ryan moved away once again cleaning up the meal's remains. He soon joined him in doing the dishes washing as Ryan dried and put away to his satisfaction.

"How about we take the drinks out to the balcony and watch the ocean to plan what we could do for the next six days?" Eric offered.

"Sure, but I'll need to go back to my place to get some clothes. I doubt you brought enough clothes for two."

"Nope, I didn't. But if you want we can try to catch some of the stores tonight before they close or first thing tomorrow and buy you what you'll need," Eric asked.

"I don't have enough to do that kind of shopping on short notice. Besides I can just go home and get the clothes easy enough..."

"Ryan, I don't mind. I want to do this besides I kind of budgeted it into my vacation expenses for the week. I've got enough to get you something if we want to go out in the evenings and stuff to tool around the Keys in. No big deal," Eric finished slightly embarrassed.

Stunned for a moment Ryan didn't know what to say. Then gathering his thoughts together he said, "Okay, I'll let you take me shopping for clothes and stuff tomorrow morning on one condition."

Eric was getting tired of hearing that phrase first from Horatio and now from Ryan. "What's the condition?"

"First off I pay you back for the clothes when we get back. Second while we're here I buy all the groceries. Deal?"

Eric figured he could live with that especially since it meant Ryan wasn't thinking of leaving. "Deal."

"I think someone is still tired and recovering from their exertions this morning. If you want to call it an early night you can," Eric said as Ryan hugely yawned.

"Yeah, I can use the rest. Haven't been sleeping well lately," was mumbled followed by another yawn. "Too many demons chasing me when I do," Ryan said under his breath but Eric caught it anyways.

Eric watched as his friend walked into his room. He wondered what kinds of demons haunted a man like Ryan. Looking over at the clock he noticed that it was already eight pm and though his original plans with Fred had been to go trolling, he opted for an early night himself. He figured he needed all his rest to deal with whatever was going on with Ryan so he could help him through it in one piece.

*

Sitting out on the beach wasn't too bad. There weren't as many people as he had feared and he had to admit, to himself at least, he didn’t look half bad in the swim trunks that Eric bought. They'd had a wonderful time this morning. Once again Eric had made breakfast for them and Ryan had pitched in with the clean up afterwards. Once they'd finished they'd gotten ready and set out for the stores to buy what they needed for the condo and Ryan. The morning had been fun though Ryan still couldn't believe Eric wanted him to stay even if as a friend.

And now they were on the condo's private beach. Ryan wasn't too keen on going in the water but Eric, as Ryan had always thought, was part fish so he'd went swimming. The excuse being he'd been too long out of his element. Ryan quietly watched and read a book while Eric swam. Once again the grace the man exhibited in the water stirred Ryan's blood.

One minute he was enjoying watching Eric in the water, appreciating how it cascaded off his body as he got out and walked toward him. The needful desire rising up to lick the droplets off the dark skin of the man before him was almost overwhelming. The next thing he knew he was trying to stop himself from having an episode. Ryan had felt it coming on like a tangible living thing crawling across his skin. He was barely able to get himself out of the open and over to one of the Tiki huts before he was overwhelmed.

Ryan couldn't help it, fought hard not to but it was the closest thing he could work on so he started to count grains of sand. He knew things were bad because he was counting the sand. It would have been better if he'd fixated on counting the straw in the Tiki hut at least that was a finite amount. He watched himself grab a handful of sand, count each grain and place it on the steps of the hut. As the pile grew Ryan dreaded when it would topple over because he knew he'd be forced to start all over again.

He heard Eric calling to him but he couldn't really respond his mouth was too involved with counting. He tried hard to get his body to obey his conscious mind and stop but it didn't work. He knew Eric was getting scared he'd caught glimpses of his face but Ryan could do nothing to comfort him. The thought made him swipe down what he'd already started and start counting all over again. Ryan wanted to scream for it to stop but he was caught like a hamster on a wheel. Inside his mind all he did was scurry in place not getting anywhere.

*

Eric had tried to convince Ryan to go out and swim but Ryan had only argued he wasn't part fish like he was. So he'd decided to swim out for a bit then come back. He was walking toward Ryan who seemed totally relaxed and utterly focused with dilated eyes on him. Eric thought that maybe there was something to what Horatio had been saying. Then suddenly Eric tripped over a buried piece of driftwood that caused him to stumble. He looked back up just in time to catch the panic in Ryan's eyes as he stiffly and quickly walked toward one of the huts, collapsing in the sand near the steps. Eric ran over thinking something was wrong physically but the scene he came on confused the hell out of him.

He saw Ryan kneeling in the sand counting the grains he'd scooped up. What puzzled Eric was why Ryan was trying to stack the sand on the stairs? Then he remembered what he'd read about OCD. He knew this episode was much worse since it involved a lot more of Ryan's mind and couldn't be as easily swayed or worked with.

"Ryan, are you okay?" Ryan tried to answer but was unable. Eric didn’t know what to do. He knew that it was dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker but Ryan wasn't sleepwalking. He figured that they were comparable so he used that kind of caution in this instance and sat by Ryan, keeping him safe from the sun and inquisitive eyes though at this time of the off-season it wasn't too hard to do.

While watching over Ryan, Eric concluded that he liked doing this for him. He wanted to be there for Ryan as he dealt with things in his life. He would make sure that when this ran its course Ryan at least wouldn't suffer physically from it. Tentatively Eric touched Ryan's back to apply sunscreen. Initially Ryan's muscled twitched and Eric feared that he'd overstepped his welcome. Then he felt the muscles relax as best they could under the circumstances. It was amazing the trust Ryan was placing in him. Even more amazing was how touching the man made him feel. He wanted to protect, take care of and keep Ryan safe in his arms.

Since Ryan didn't mind him being near Eric gave Ryan his support as best he could, sitting as close to him as possible. By the time Ryan showed signs of coming around a couple of hours had passed. Eric slowly pressed against Ryan's back as he gently started to rub his arms knowing they'd be aching. When a shiver went through Ryan's entire body and he stiffened, Eric knew his friend was back with him. He reluctantly eased away.

"Are you okay, now?" Eric watched as Ryan nodded his head. "Are you thirsty? Want me to get you something to drink?" Ryan only nodded again. Eric went to the cooler worried even more for his friend. He pulled out three bottles of water figuring he'd have one too.

*

Ryan couldn't believe Eric had stayed. Not only did he stay but he had taken care of him. No one had done that for him in a long time not since his Big Brother Gary. He'd felt Eric's hands on him applying sunscreen. At first it was a surprise then he'd reveled in it as best he could under the circumstances. Then he felt ashamed and fought his desires even more intensely and the counting got increasingly more intense in response. He knew that Eric was close by he could feel the heat of his body near. Some part of his mind had found great comfort in it even as he tried not to rely on it being there when his episode was complete. In the end he'd finally followed his therapists advice and stopped running away from the emotional trigger. The therapist had said that the more he denied the emotions the longer and more intense his episodes would be.

To find Eric comforting him and essentially holding him was too much. He normally felt ashamed after these episodes because no one wanted to be near him not even his parents; they'd always left afterwards whether from shame or grief he never knew. But Eric stayed. He stole a glance at the man he had fallen in love with his body language showing real concern and some fear but no disgust, embarrassment or shame.

Ryan had gotten well versed in body language when he was younger. Those who were friends before they found out about his OCD, once they'd been witness to an episode though polite their body language always screamed get away from me. So Ryan knew what to look for and he saw none of that in Eric right now. Hope sprang inside Ryan maybe he could...then he remembered the incidents with the school quarterback and Ryan killed it.

*

Eric was worried Ryan was just sitting there quietly and extremely still. He knew from observing the young man that he would normally fidget or babble when nervous or embarrassed. He could only imagine how embarrassed Ryan was over the sand incident he'd just witnessed, probably more so than over yesterday's cleaning binge. Yet the other man was so still and the only signs of his embarrassment were the slightly shaking hands that took the water bottle from Eric.

Once again that fierce need to protect and soothe came over Eric and finally he was honest with himself. He wanted to hold Ryan forever and kiss the fear, panic and insecurities away if he could. Somehow, though Eric didn't mean to, he'd started to fall in love with the OCD driven man. He finally admitted that his feelings went far beyond the lust and desire he occasionally felt.

"Ryan?" Eric asked gently, "What triggered this?"

Ryan just shook his head trying to get Delko to leave it alone. How could he tell him that the man he's trying to befriend is a wound up gay basketcase that stupidly had fallen in love with him. Ryan slowly drank the water he had been given when in reality all he wanted was to run back to his room and throw his things in the bag they'd bought and get the hell out of here. But he knew that any attempt he currently made at getting up and walking would result in him collapsing as his legs had gone numb some time ago.

Eric worried about the silence and decided that maybe they needed to be some place else for Ryan to be able to feel safe about talking. "Ryan I'm going to get our stuff and then we can head back to the condo okay? You stay here and relax."

Ryan nodded he figured by the time Eric packed up he should be able to feel his legs. He also didn't want any witnesses to what Eric would do to him when he found out the truth. Because he knew Eric was determined to get to the truth. He finished his water and then shifted so his legs were to the side of him and he bit back a cry as the full flow of blood returned to the once compressed arteries, veins and capillaries. What he didn’t realize was how close to him Eric was when he did it.

"Ryan, you okay? What's the matter? You hurt somewhere?"

Ryan shook his head no and quietly answered, "Legs numb."

"Well that doesn't surprise me. You've been sitting in the same position for almost two and a half hours. Let's get you to your room where you can relax," with those words he gave Ryan a hand up only to have him collapse against him as his legs gave out.

Both men stood, one holding and leaning on while the other was standing and supporting, looking at each other in surprise. Eric had felt the tell tale twitch of interest from Ryan as well as his own interest becoming obvious when their bodies had contacted. He was loathed to let the man in his arms go right now. He knew Ryan was vulnerable but couldn't help but give in to the desire that had grown these last few days. So Eric leaned forward and kissed those lips that had teased him.

The kiss started slowly and Eric took the time to enjoy the other man's taste. When he felt the tentative touch of Ryan's tongue against his own the kiss deepened not too out of control but well on it's way there. At Ryan's broken sounding whimper, Eric pulled back only to have Ryan's lips follow his with another broken whimper as he started to shake all over. Eric pulled the trembling body closer and ran his hands in soothing circles on Ryan's back.

"Ryan, I don't think we want to continue this here," Eric said and felt the man in his arms freeze.

Ryan tried to get away and was able to break out of Eric's arms but he hadn't even gotten ten paces away before his still waking up legs let him down by allowing him to be caught when he stumbled.

Eric took advantage of the misstep and pinned himself on top of Ryan in the sand. Once again their bodies reacted to each other but Eric pushed it aside for now. Right now what was important was reassuring the man beneath him.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that. I know you're probably feeling vulnerable. But...having you in my arms was too much temptation to fight. I've spent the whole vacation so far trying to figure out and fighting what I feel," he looked into Ryan eyes. "Like now," Eric said breathlessly, "I'm fighting wanting to kiss you stupid and I know you can feel how much more than that I want to do.

"God Ryan! All I've wanted to do during each of your attacks was hold, protect and care for you. I wanted to keep you safe, make you okay a-and I think maybe love you," with that last declaration he kissed Ryan again tenderly with all he was feeling behind it.

Ryan's mind couldn't figure out what was going on. The reality of what was happening was meshing and melding with past experiences so that he couldn’t make sense of it. First he'd been in Eric's arms loving the closeness and security. Then when they kissed it had been all he'd dreamed and more. He'd been overwhelmed with his need to be closer and connected. Then he'd heard the dreaded words, not here.

He knew he was only good enough for secret trysts. He'd never been good enough for them to stay. But Eric had stayed even before the kiss but he'd gone. Didn't he? Ryan couldn't pull himself fully from his past to accept the present. The past patterns of his relationships kept haunting him now. Eric stayed but he didn't want Ryan, couldn't want Ryan. Not the way the kiss suggested. No, he'd done it again let the mask slip and now it was flight or fight and Ryan was tired of fighting. He ran.

His body betrayed him he was caught now it would be fight. He closed his eyes waiting for the first blow to land. None came and slowly he opened his eyes and it registered with him what Eric was saying. Eric did want him. Ryan could feel the evidence of it between their bodies and in his words. He hoped he wasn't mistaking what he had heard, did Eric say love. No, couldn't be. Must mean just loved to fuck him not love him. He was about to fight to get away when Eric kissed him again. He felt the caring and love in the kiss and couldn't stop the tears. Maybe he could have it after all, for a change.

"You okay, now?" With a nod from Ryan he continued, "You aren't going to run away again are you?" Another nod, "Good, you think we could take this someplace else. Preferably someplace with cushions." Ryan smiled weakly and Eric took that as a good sign.

Standing up Eric once again helped his friend off the sand but this time with different results. They quickly gathered their things and slowly headed back to the condo.

"Why don't you sit down and I'll put these things away, okay? You want anything for dinner? We can order out," Eric asked as he moved around putting things away.

"Not really hungry," was the reply.

"Well how about I whip us up a light stir-fry. I've already told you if I don't take good care of you when we get back Alexx will have my head."

Ryan smiled weakly, "Okay, I'll try but don't be upset if I can't eat."

Eric heard the unspoken plea and walked over toward Ryan. Kneeling before him he took the trembling hands in his. "I won't be upset I promise. You don't have to worry about me being mad at you. You've done nothing that will cause me to leave. I want to be here for you. You need me then I'm here." Once again he placed a reassuring kiss on Ryan's lips. "Please, let me take care of you. I know we have a lot to talk about but please let me do this for you," the dark eyes bore into lighter ones.

"Y-you really want to do that? For me?" Ryan asked incredulous.

"Yes, I do," Eric hoped his phrasing would drive home just how much he wanted to.

Eric's words sent a shiver through Ryan. No one had ever wanted to commit to him like that. It was always casual no sleeping over. No cuddling or spending time together. Especially not after witnessing one of his episodes.

"Okay. I'll just go shower and change while you do that then," Ryan said.

"Hey, that sounds like a great plan. I think we both can use one. Then afterwards we can cook together," Eric, noticed that Ryan had gotten red faced. He thought over what he just said and realized how it sounded and quickly tried to explain. "No...No. That's not what I meant. There's another bathroom in the master bedroom," he finished flushing a little.

Ryan smiled an honest smile for the first time since his episode had started. It was nice seeing that Delko could be embarrassed for a change. "I knew what you meant. You're forgetting I've cleaned this place top to bottom, so I knew there were two showers." It was nice to joke with someone who understood the seriousness behind the attacks and not the freakishness of them.

Eric laughed it was good seeing some of Ryan's spirit come back. "Yeah, well I forgot. So let's go get cleaned up and make dinner. We have a lot to talk about." Eric made sure to keep his face friendly and welcoming. The last thing he wanted was for Ryan to shut down again or worse run.

After his shower Ryan decided to dress warmly, so he pulled on the one pair of sweats he'd snuck by Eric. He added a t-shirt and socks to it and thought about wearing the sweatshirt he'd also snuck past. Ryan hated having his episodes outdoors because his body's temp went crazy afterwards. It was as if it didn't know if it wanted to be cold or hot. So he usually ended up wearing layers until he stabilized.

He'd spent some of his time showering thinking about Eric and wondered when he'd want to move on to the physical. Ryan knew Eric wanted him and he had even told him so. Maybe they'd get to it after dinner. If he were lucky he'd be able to spend the night sleeping with him. With that thought in mind he went out to help get dinner going.

Eric had spent a good portion of his shower on autopilot as he thought of how to handle the rest of the night with Ryan. He knew that Ryan wasn't a hundred percent over his episode and though he was a little more like himself he was still fragile. This night, he knew, he had to handle carefully or he'd end up breaking the man and all thoughts of a future with him gone. Quickly he threw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and went out to join Ryan in the kitchen.

"Hey, I thought I said I'd cook?"

"I figured I'd get the things ready for you. That way it would all be ready when you needed it for the stir-fry," Ryan intoned nervously.

He wondered if he'd overstepped his role. Eric did say he was going to cook and that he wanted to be the one to take care of me. Was I supposed to not do anything? We did this before this week, didn't we? Ryan's mind was starting to get confused again with the past and present.

Eric noticed Ryan's nervousness and distraction. He had noted that same look on his face back on the beach and knew the other man wasn't with him. "That's great that means it will be ready that much sooner for my stomach to chow down. Come on let's get to it," Eric noted the easing of tension as his words reached the other man.

The making and eating of dinner went by smoothly without much awkwardness. Ryan did manage to eat something not as much as Eric wanted but it was something at least. Afterwards he poured them both some iced tea and moved them to the couch. He watched carefully as Ryan fidgeted on the other side of the couch.

"What's the matter Ryan?"

"Did you mean everything you said earlier?" was the timid reply.

"Yes, I did but what specifically did you want to know about?"

"Y-you said you wanted me and wanted to take care of me," was the quiet reply.

Eric moved closer to Ryan. "Yes, I meant all of that and more. Why?"

"J-just wanted to know. No one's ever wanted to not since Gary."

"Who's Gary?" Eric suppressed the sudden flare of jealousy and anger.

"My Big Brother, Gary. He was a mentor I had in high school. When I had episodes at school I usually asked for him to come get me once they got me calm enough. After the first half dozen or so they finally figured to automatically do it. He would be the one to make me safe afterwards."

"You still keep in touch with him?" Eric tried keeping the jealousy out of his voice.

"He died. Killed in a gay bashing outside of his house coming home from a date he'd had with a guy who was in the closet. Seems some friends of his took offense to Gary trying to turn the guy as they saw it."

"How old were you?" Eric moved closer.

"I was eighteen and it happened a month before my graduation. The day I got the news I had one of my more memorable episodes and though my parents tried to get me through it, they couldn't. I had become too used to having Gary being there during the bad ones. It took forever before it ended and afterwards my parents left me alone in my room.

When I went back to school it was all the talk of the school. Especially among those that knew he was my mentor. It caused talk and rumors to revolve around me. It was bad enough I got tormented because of my OCD and no one except maybe a handful suspected I was gay or bisexual. Those rumors resurfaced and once again I didn't feel safe anymore. I knew I would never be safe if people knew what and who I was. So I hid, from everyone," Ryan recited.

"Was there anyone else to take care of you the way he did?" Eric really didn't want the answer but he needed to know.

"No. Most after witnessing an episode leave, either during or afterwards depends on the episode," Ryan answered in a dull tone. Looking up at Eric he asked, "Why didn't you? You could so easily have left me alone to clean myself sick with all the bleach or burn in the sun. Why did you stay?" Ryan looked helplessly at Eric.

"In order to answer that, I'd have to go back to the reason I brought you with me to begin with. Since before the high school shooting, I had noticed that you were being moody and short. It was something I had seen often before with Speed when something was bothering him that he didn't want to deal with.

You were thrown into the job as a CSI and no one really took the time to show you the ropes. You did wonderful keeping your head above water for as long as you did. I knew something was eating away at you but I had no idea what. I took cases with you in the hope of getting you to talk and open up. It didn't work and when the shooting came up and I saw how you reacted to it...well I knew you were about to lose it.

Knowing Horatio as I did after all these years of working together, I knew he couldn't leave it up to you to work through anymore. When you snapped at Alexx, that was his line in the sand that you crossed the only thing that gave you a stay was the fact you apologized and she didn't tell H. I felt you were falling as I had after Speed's d-death. I wanted to catch you. I wanted to help you find your way back to how you had been when you joined the team."

Eric sat next to Ryan and grabbed his hand. "Then I noticed my reactions to you one on one without a case and alone. I couldn't ignore them anymore. Usually when they would crop up work would put them out of my mind. Here, with you now...well there are no distractions to avoid them. It seems I've been falling for you and hard," Eric explained.

"But that still doesn't explain why me? I'm nobody just the new kid. What's so special about me that makes you feel like that?" Ryan denied.

Eric pulled Ryan into his arms, "Because you have a heart that's big and wants to help. You feel it when you can't even if it's hidden well. You are one of the rare types in this world Ryan, you see things as they are but at the same time as they should or could be. But I think when it comes to yourself you don't see the brighter picture; it's always the negative for you. I want to change that," Eric said as he caressed his back.

"You really mean that? You really want that with me? What about my episodes? What happens when I freak you out with them?" Ryan rambled, as he got agitated.

"Shhh...it's okay Ryan. Yes, I really mean it and want it with you. As for your episodes I've dealt with some of them already and I haven't left. We'll deal with them one at a time as we have so far," Eric answered as he calmed the man's body with his caresses.

Ryan just snuggled closer to Eric absorbing the comfort for as long as he was able to. He was going to take every opportunity to store up these feelings of safety for future nights. Just like he had done with Gary. He'd do that with Eric. Ryan knew that eventually it would probably be too much and he'd lose it again. So he burrowed closer to the man he'd unwittingly fallen in love with.

"Hey, why don't we go to bed? It'll be more comfortable," Eric said pulling the man in his arms with him as he stood up. Leading him by the hand towards the bedrooms.

Ryan only nodded glad that they were finally going to get to the physical stuff because he was really enjoying Eric holding him. Maybe when they were done, he wouldn't end up sleeping alone like he usually did. It seemed like Eric liked to cuddle and for once he didn't want to sleep alone. One look at Eric confirmed that he was happy heading to the bedroom with Ryan.

Eric stopped outside of the door to the room Ryan was in and looked into his eyes as he asked, "Ryan, do you want to join me in sleeping tonight?"

Ryan blinked owlishly for a few seconds wondering why he was being asked. In the end he just nodded and continued on into Eric's room. He sat on the edge of the bed and started to take off his clothes when Eric's voice stopped him.

"Ryan, what are you doing?" Eric said a bit harsher than he meant.

"This...you...I was getting ready for bed. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?" Ryan's trembling voice asked.

"Oh, Ryan," Eric pulled him closer realizing their talk that he thought they had would have to wait till Ryan was more recovered from his last episode. Eric could see Ryan was still shaken up and clearly exhausted. So they were going to have to talk after Ryan had slept.

"Why do you think you need to get undressed to go to bed with me?" Eric asked.

"So I can sleep with you. I know you want me and I'm good or so I've been told," Ryan answered seriously.

"Ryan, do you think you need to have sex with me in order to sleep with me?" Eric asked.

Ryan looked at him puzzled, "Isn't that the way it's done?" He was wondering if he'd misread things again.

Eric pulled Ryan's shirt back on, "No, not between us it isn't. Lord knows I would love nothing more but tonight all we're going to do is just what I said. Sleep." Eric turned the bed down and crawled into the bed with open arms toward Ryan. "Come to bed Ryan, let me make you feel safe."

Ryan stared at Eric's open arms for a while until it sank in he could get the closeness he wanted without the sex. With that thought he scrambled straight into Eric's arms with a huge sigh of relief. As the warmth, security and love surrounded him Ryan relaxed almost completely.

Eric watched as degree by painful degree Ryan relaxed to his touches. He knew they had a lot to talk about still and Ryan had some issues with loss but in the end he felt they'd be just fine. He kissed the head beneath his chin and felt the last of the tension leave. Shortly after he felt the natural breathing of a man asleep. Eric lay there for a little longer as he thought more about the man in his arms and bed. Come what may he knew he'd fight for this man even if it were against himself. The sex would come but for now he needed Ryan to know he had the affection without it.

Starting tomorrow Eric would implement a daily physical contact routine for Ryan. Just to let the guy know he didn't have to put out to get his needs met. Snuggling the warm body against him Eric let sleep claim him secure in the knowledge that they'd work it all out.


End file.
